When You've Lost Yourself Somewhere Between Being Everything to Everyone
"I’m just so sick of feeling exhausted all the time, being pulled in every direction. I don’t even recognise myself anymore.”
You're a team manager, a department head, the person everyone comes to when things fall apart. At home, you're the one who remembers everything, manages everything, solves everything. You're competent, reliable, capable.
And somewhere along the way, you became nothing but those roles.
Here's what I need you to understand: This isn't just an identity crisis. It's making you physically ill.
When Being "The Reliable One" Becomes a Health Issue
Let me paint you a picture of someone you might recognise:
She's in her early 40s, successful in her career, respected by colleagues. She's the one people turn to in a crisis. She's proven herself repeatedly. She handles everything.
She's also exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix. Her weight won't budge despite doing everything "right." Her hair is thinning. She can't focus the way she used to. She snaps at people she cares about. She lies awake at 3 AM with her mind racing through tomorrow's problems.
Her doctor says her tests are normal. Friends tell her she's just stressed, she needs to relax more. Her partner suggests a vacation.
But here's what's actually happening: Her body has been in a state of chronic stress for so long-from being everything to everyone, from never feeling like she can stop, from losing any sense of who she is beyond her usefulness-that her entire hormonal and metabolic system is breaking down.
The exhaustion isn't just mental. It's her adrenal system, depleted from years of elevated cortisol. The weight gain isn't just about calories-it's her body protecting itself and storing energy because it perceives a constant threat. The brain fog isn't age-it's what happens when cortisol dysregulation and nutrient depletion impacts neurotransmitter production.
The loss of self isn't separate from the physical symptoms. It's driving them.
How We Get Here (And Why No One Warned You)
You didn't wake up one morning having lost yourself. This happened gradually, over years of being the reliable one:
The project that only you could handle. The crisis only you could solve. The family needs only you could meet. The team problems only you could fix. One situation after another where you proved you could handle it-and so everyone kept giving you more to handle.
Meanwhile, the things that made you you-your hobbies, your friendships, your dreams for what's next-got pushed further and further down the priority list. You told yourself you'd get back to them later. You told yourself this busy season would pass. You told yourself you were fine.
Until one day you realise: You can't remember the last time you did something just because you wanted to. You can't remember what you used to do for fun. You can't remember when you stopped thinking about your own goals and started only thinking about everyone else's needs.
And your body? It's been keeping score the entire time.
What Your Symptoms Are Really Telling You
Every woman's story is different, but the physical manifestations of chronic stress and self-abandonment show up in remarkably similar ways:
The energy that's gone: Not just tired but depleted in a way that makes getting through an afternoon at work feel insurmountable. Your body has been running on stress hormones for so long that your actual energy production systems-your thyroid, your adrenal function, your mitochondria-are deplete and exhausted.
The weight that won't budge: You're doing everything you used to do, but your body is holding onto weight like its life depends on it. Because in a way, it does-chronic cortisol elevation signals to your body that resources are scarce and danger is constant, so it slows down your metabolism and stores fat for survival.
The mood swings and irritability: You're not becoming a difficult person. Your cortisol, nutrient status and dysregulated hormones are directly affecting your neurotransmitter production-serotonin, dopamine, GABA-the very chemicals that help you feel calm, happy, and balanced.
The brain fog: You used to be sharp, quick, on top of things. Now you're forgetting words, losing focus mid-conversation, struggling to make decisions. This isn't early dementia-it's what happens when chronic stress affects hippocampus function and prefrontal cortex activity.
The sleep that won't come: You're exhausted all day, but at 3 AM you're wide awake, mentally running through everything you need to do. Your cortisol rhythm-which should be high in the morning and low at night-has become completely dysregulated.
These aren't separate issues. They're all your body's response to the same root problem: You've spent so long taking care of everyone else that you've depleted your own reserves.
The Part No One Talks About
Here's what makes this particularly insidious: Our culture celebrates women who can do it all. Who are endlessly capable and reliable. Who put everyone else first. Who never complain or ask for help.
So when you start breaking down-physically, emotionally, mentally-you feel like it's your personal failure. Like you just need to try harder, manage your time better, be more resilient.
But the problem isn't that you're not trying hard enough. The problem is that human bodies aren't designed to run on stress hormones and self-sacrifice indefinitely.
The professional women I work with often tell me they felt guilty even admitting they were struggling. They'd look around and see other women juggling just as much. They'd tell themselves they should be grateful for their careers, their families, their lives. They'd push through exhaustion, ignore symptoms, add self-care to their to-do list like another obligation to manage.
And all the while, their bodies were screaming for attention that never came.
Why "Just Stress Less" Isn't the Answer
Your doctor is right that stress is playing a role. But "just relax more" or "try meditation" misses the deeper issue:
You can't meditate your way out of physiological hormone imbalances caused by years of chronic stress.
When cortisol has been elevated for so long that your body stops responding appropriately, you need more than breathing exercises. You need to understand what's actually happening and give your body what it needs to restore healthy function.
When chronic stress has disrupted your thyroid function, affected your sex hormone balance, depleted key nutrients, and dysregulated your blood sugar-all of which creates the exhaustion, weight gain, mood problems, and brain fog you're experiencing-you need targeted support based on what YOUR body specifically needs right now.
And you need to understand that taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's necessary for survival.
What Changes When You Start Listening to Your Body
The women I work with often describe a similar progression:
First comes the relief of understanding that their symptoms aren't personal failure. That the exhaustion, weight gain, mood swings, and brain fog have physiological explanations. That they're not being dramatic or weak-their body has been sending distress signals that were ignored for too long.
Then comes the practical work of addressing those imbalances: supporting adrenal function, rebalancing hormones, addressing nutrient deficiencies, regulating blood sugar, restoring healthy stress response patterns. This isn't about adding more to your plate-it's about giving your body what it specifically needs to heal.
But here's what often surprises them: As their physical symptoms improve, something else shifts too.
They start noticing when they're saying yes out of obligation rather than genuine desire. They start setting boundaries that used to feel impossible. They start remembering interests and hobbies they'd abandoned. They start reconnecting with the person they were before they became nothing but useful to everyone else.
One client put it this way: "Getting my energy back made me realise I'd been living my life on autopilot, just responding to whatever everyone else needed. I'd forgotten I was allowed to want things for myself."
The Question That Changes Everything
Instead of asking "How do I get through tomorrow?" or "What's wrong with me?", try asking: "What does my body need from me that I haven't been giving it?"
Maybe it's rest that's actually restorative, not just collapsing exhausted at the end of another overwhelming day.
Maybe it's food that supports stable energy rather than quick fixes that create blood sugar crashes.
Maybe it's hormone support that addresses the specific imbalances your body is struggling with.
Maybe it's nutrients that have been depleted by chronic stress and inadequate self-care.
Maybe it's someone who can help you understand what's happening in your body and what specific support would make the biggest difference.
And maybe-almost certainly-it's permission to matter as much as everyone else you take care of.
You Can't Pour From an Empty Cup (And Yours Has Been Empty for a While)
I know what you're thinking: "I don't have time to take care of myself. Everyone's counting on me. I'll focus on this once things settle down."
But here's the truth: Things won't settle down. There will always be more demands, more responsibilities, more people who need you. And meanwhile, your body will keep breaking down until it forces you to stop-through illness, complete burnout, or crisis.
The choice isn't between taking care of yourself and taking care of everyone else. It's between addressing this now on your terms, or addressing it later when your body makes the decision for you.
The good news? You don't have to figure this out alone. You don't have to add "heal from chronic stress and hormone imbalances" to your overwhelming to-do list. You need someone who understands what's happening in your body, can help you understand it too, and can guide you through actually addressing it without overwhelming you - not just with generic advice, but with personalised support for your specific situation.
When Your Body Finally Gets What It Needs
I've watched dozens of women move through this process. Their stories are different, but certain themes repeat:
"I forgot what it felt like to have energy for my actual life, not just obligations."
"I can think clearly again-I feel like myself again."
"I set boundaries with my team last week and didn't feel guilty about it."
"My partner said I seem happier. And I realised I am."
"I signed up for that dance class I'd been thinking about for years."
"I'm not just surviving anymore. I'm actually living again."
This isn't about becoming someone else. It's about finding your way back to yourself-with a body that has the energy and resilience to support that journey.
You're Not Asking for Too Much
Wanting to feel like yourself again isn't selfish. Wanting your body to function the way it used to isn't asking for miracles. Wanting to have energy for your own life, not just everyone else's needs, isn't too much to ask.
You're not too much. You've just been giving too much for too long without replenishing your own reserves.
The question isn't whether you deserve support-you absolutely do. The question is: are you ready to actually receive it?
About the Author
I'm Gráinne Harbison, a functional medicine practitioner who specialises in comprehensive hormone and metabolic testing for women whose symptoms have been dismissed by conventional medicine. I work with intelligent, capable women in their 40s who know something isn't right-even when they've been told everything is "normal."
If you're tired of being dismissed and want real answers about what's happening in your body, I can help.
